The Attack of the Rubber Chickens
by Kattikitti
Summary: And this is what happens when Professor Dumbledore decides to run a school play... Crossover with ? Next chapter we get on with the story! Please review! Title is liable to change at random moments.
1. Acting A Play And Messing It Up

Hyperkitti: Hey everyone and welcome to our joint fic! Mine and Kattikit's that is.

Kattikit: Yep! Anyway, this is a Harry Potter/??? crossover. You won't find out what with til the next chappie tho.

Hyperkitti: This fic is MAD!!! You have been warned! Please put on your seatbelts and get ready for the show!

Kattikit: Did you really just say that?

Hyperkitti: Yep

Kattikit: Damn. I was hoping we could surprise them. Anyways, aren't we forgetting something?

Both: WE DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER!

Hyperkitti: Unless we kidnap JK Rowling.

Kattikit: Shhhhh! Dont reveal our secret plans! ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

A new year at Hogwarts...first years excitedly running round, eager to learn...a clean school...the smell of knowledge in the air...and that was half a term ago. _This_ story is set in the ninth week of term...half the first years had deserted already...graffiti everywhere (and I mean _everywhere_) ...and the only thing that smells is that prank the aspiring 'Fred and George' of the school played within the first five minutes of their arrival. It is six weeks before the Christmas holidays, and Professor Dumbledore has an announcement to make. 

"I have an announcement to make" his voice boomed around the hall. It broke glass. It shattered the statues into a thousand pieces each. Half the ceiling fell in. Nobody was listening, but it was a good effect.

Eventually, and with Professor Dumbledore looking most disgruntled, Professor McGonagall decided enough was enough, and stood up. Instant silence.

Dumbledore glared at her, grumbling something under his breath that sounded something like "...stupid half-witted purple pair of socks..." to those near enough to hear, and started to speak.

"Friends, enemies, and slightly annoying flibbles that we just keep around to annoy Filch" A guttural growl came from the corner behind him "We are gathered here to grieve...I mean rejoice at the unfortunate demise of Lord Voldemort who, as we all know, was killed late last night in an unfortunate incident involving a vacuum cleaner, a toasting fork, and a large rubber chicken."

A ragged cheer went up from all save the Slytherins, who were still sulking over the fact that they hadn't been able to top him off first.

"Now to mourn...I mean celebrate his untimely end, the staff and I..." many death glares sent by 'the staff' proved this was not the case "...Have decided that to boost everyone's spir...keep the good spirits going, that we would do a dramatisation of a certain member of staff's favourite book. Auditions will be tomorrow – anybody who is auditioning will be excused from lessons..." ("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" came a distant cry from the seat next to Harry Potter, who had been among the sulkers over Voldemort's death. After all, he had no reason to be famous anymore. How can you be 'The Boy Who Lived' if you didn't even kill your enemy!) "...and the cast list will be posted the next day." He sat down with a loud fart, stood up, took the magi-whoop off his chair, sat back down again, and continued eating his meal.

"It's OK Hermione, you can stop screaming now."

"Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry," she said, without even a gasp for breath. "Please, please, PLEASE don't audition tomorrow."

"Flabble wownd, wanel!" exclaimed Ron, testing the impossible by eating eleven fish legs at once (Chicken legs had been outlawed ever since 'The Voldemort Incident', which had since been labelled the '10 Things You Really Shouldn't Do With A Vacuum Cleaner, A Toasting Fork, And A Large Rubber Chicken' incident.)

Harry and Hermione stared at him for a moment, before Hermione said, very loudly and clearly, "Turn on your Ron eating – English translator now. Then please repeat." Ron did as she said, then said "Calm down, mate."

"But I know that you bothwanttoauditionandsoyouwantmetocometosoI'llbestuckmissinglessonsandIdon'twantto." Hermione breathed at last, before whining again "I don't wanna come!"

"It's alright Herm, we'll protect you from those big, nasty, mean people who would _dare_ to audition us." Said Harry. Hermione, like the big girl that she was, stuck her tongue out at them.

"Well well Hermione. I never thought you'd be too fishy (chicken! Outlawed! Remember?) to try."

"Ahh Draco," Ron drawled back "And I suppose _you'll_ be auditioning?"

"Why of course," said Draco who had just crept up behind them, sporting a bright pink tutu. "I could _never_ let my house down by not being the main character. I wonder what we'll be doing; Peter Wand...The Wizard of Ulca...Close Encounters of the Mudblood Kind...Hey, what are you laughing about. I bet _you've_ never read them!"

Harry and Ron, who had in fact been laughing for close to five minutes before the dense Draco had actually realised, were paralysed on the floor, fish legs being spat out all over the place.

"Oh phooey to you!" Draco cried, and ran away before they realised just how lame that insult was. Or, he tried to.

"I'm pleased you feel so eager about our little project, Mr Malfoy," Professor McGonagall was looming overhead. "As I have already signed you up for the auditions on behalf of your father."

Draco looked smugly back at the trio.

"Yes, he was most surprised to hear you were getting yourself into a muggle production..."

"What!"

"...especially one that went against all his wished..."

"But..."

"And especially one where there is such an intricate narrative and one so liberated of all contemporary brands of enchantment..."

"Huh?"

"But he is of course delighted for you to represent the Malfoy family line in such a great occasion."

"What are we doing, Professor?" Hermione said, possibly the only one who could have said it with a straight face at this point.

Professor McGonagall stared for a moment, before replying as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Why it is..."


	2. The Day Before The Auditions

Hyperkitti: We're back with a brand new chapter! And by the way Maze2004, did you really find the list under your bed? That's very odd.

Kattikit: Yep, you thought you could get rid of us, but you didn't. HAH!

Hyperkitti: Actually they wanted another chapter.

Kattikit: Shut up, I'm on a roll here.

Hyperkitti: _(backs away)_ Ummm... okay...

Kattikit: You thought that we would go away, and you'd get something nice like JK Rowling's work, but you didn't! Now you will be subjected to madness until we manage to think up an ending for this and update it fully!

Hyperkitti: Which will be a long time if you look at how long it takes for Kattikit to update.

Kattikit: You will never get anything but madness anymore! NEVAR! WE OWN HARRY POTTER!

JK Rowling: pops up seemingly from nowhere, but is hiding a wand behind her back No you don't, I do.

Kattikit: ARRRGH! HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE CUPBOARD WE LOCKED YOU IN?

Hyperkitti: _(whistles and grins sheepishly at the readers) _On with the chapter?

* * *

McGonagall paused for dramatic effect. Everyone held his or her breath. Then there was a beeping sound coming from McGonagall's pocket. She took something that looked suspiciously like a Muggle electronic object, and opened it. 

"The time is 9 o' clock and 5 minutes. It is time for your appointment in your chambers where there is a personal makeup assistant waiting for you, of which the charges you have put to the sch-"

Professor McGonagall quickly shut it up by closing it and stuffing it in her pocket. She turned briskly and walked off to her chambers.

"What was that all about?" said Harry.

"No idea" replied Draco. "I mean, since when did McGonagall wear make-up?"

The Trio and Draco discussed this for about half an hour, until finally Hermione said, "Wait a sec, she didn't tell us the play we were doing."

Draco and Harry looked and each other in bewilderment. "Oh yeah..."

Hermione slapped her forehead. "Boys" she muttered. "C'mon, we'd better go to lessons."

Harry shook his head. "Nah, I don't feel like going to them today."

"But- but but ...lessons are important!"

Harry turned to her seriously and replied, "Are they really, Hermione? Really, really? Do they really make a mark in the real world of any importance what-so-ever?"

"Yes! Of course they do!"

"Oh, all right then."

Harry followed Hermione to the next lesson, because he really didn't have anything better to do with his life.

Unfortunately, this was Potions, where Snape announced in a loud voice how Draco was sure to get the main part. The good thing about this was that Draco seemed embarrassed about this, and Snape, not noticing anything like the blind person he is, continued the rant for a while until Draco asked (in an even LOUDER voice) what today's potion was.

Until then Snape said many things including"Draco is sure to get the best part because he has been in many Muggle plays before, although that's meant to be a secret, but it would be good for everyone to know that they haven't got a chance..."

"Umm, Professor Snape?"

"Of course, we all know that nobody else will even think of entering with a young boy like Draco around. He has made such a great effort for this play. He's even stopped wetting himself last week"

"Professor Snape? Can we get on with the lesson please?"

By this time Harry, Ron and Hermione were rolling around on the floor, having difficulty breathing.

"Although he still needs his teddy for comfort sometimes...Potter, Weasley, Granger! What are you doing on the floor? I think you're choking on something. Weak children. Five points from Gryffindor for choking in my class. Longbottom, perhaps you and Mr Thomas should take them to the hospital wing..."

Harry, Ron and Hermione weakly signalled that they were fine and for Snape to continue.

Snape looked at them with fake concern. "Well, if you're sure... Draco is and will always be the best student in the school of course, much better than Granger in any case. Of course he has to take extra lessons and needs some help from his mummy every now and then. But this makes him a much better student..."

"Professor, what is today's potion?" Draco was practically shouting now, and his face was as red as Ron's hair. Metaphorically.

"Although...sorry, Mr. Malfoy, did you say something"

"Ummm... Professor, could we get on with the lesson now? I... umm... think everyone has got the idea now."

Snape looked a bit disappointed. "Well, if you're sure...today we are doing a Boldness Potion. This will help with the auditioning, as many of you will get stage fright, knowing the little children you are." Then he continued with something that sounded to Harry like "Blah blah blah blah blah..."

The Gryffindors had to get up off the floor, as most of them had fallen off their chairs laughing, as well as some of the Slytherins.

The rest of the lesson was pretty similar, as Snape had already used up most of the lesson and the rest of the lesson was spent by many loud exclamations of "So Draco, you've stop wetting yourself? You must be very proud of yourself. I only stopped wetting myself about 11 years ago!"

"Shut up." Draco turned red and added an extra drop of beetle juice to his potion by accident. He added something wrong every time someone started talking about his... 'problems'.

Soon the potions dungeons were full of smoke and Draco's cauldron had melted. Every climbed onto their chairs to get out of the way quickly, except Neville Longbottom, who yelled "Look, I didn't get it wrong this time! Malfoy messed it up instead!"

He did a victory dance, but seeing as he had two left feet, he tripped and knocked over a whole row of potions that had been in different stages. They all splashed down onto the floor, and mixed together. The chairs that the students were standing on started melting into the floor.

Snape was furious, as usual. "Everyone, get out! Out! Out right now before I take off points!"

Hermione raised her hand. "But Professor, we can't get out without killing ourselves!" The floor had now turned into something reminiscent of a lava lake.

"Shut up, Granger! Stop being such an insufferable know-it-all!"

"You've used that insult on me before, Professor."

"Have I? Damn! How about... stupid show-off?"

"Ummm... no, I don't think so."

"Right! Granger, you're a stupid show-off and you always will be!"

Draco interrupted their 'argument'. "Sir, Granger has a point. We can't get out."

Snape sighed. "Weak children." he muttered, before conjuring stretchers for them all, which floated out of the classroom. But not before Hermione raised her hand one last time.

"Professor, will this be on our tests?"

* * *

At lunchtime, all the Gryffindors cheered for Neville, as Snape was now in the hospital wing and all Potions lessons had been cancelled until the lava lake dried up. 

Unfortunately, sixth years didn't have Potions at all for the rest of the day, and they were missing lessons tomorrow for the auditions anyway. They were all still happy that Snape had been landed in the hospital wing. Except, of course, for Hermione, who loudly exclaimed"No! Everyone could be learning so much in this time! I can't believe it! We have to teach those poor people that are missing lessons! Otherwise we'll fail our NEWTs!"

"Hermione, our NEWTs are over a year and a half away."

"So?"

* * *

The next lesson was Defence against the Dark Arts. Since their new teacher had broken a record, and had lasted a week (he was now lying in the Hospital Wing in a coma after teaching a lesson with the seventh years, who were doing the best "Fred and George" acts). Because of this, lessons had become difficult to manage. At the moment, Professor Dumbledore was teaching the lessons until they found a replacement, which, judging the state of the school would be a while yet. Because of this, the fifth years and sixth years had been bunged together because Dumbledore didn't have enough time. He was too busy spending his time listening to rumours, so that he knew everything about the school _all the time_. 

The lesson started, as usual, by Professor Dumbledore coming in with his usual elegance, broken only by a jinx over one of the tiles, as he always came in by _exactly the same route_. He got up, put on a pair of extra-thick, dragon-hide gloves, carefully opened a cupboard, which was labelled "Confiscated", and carefully took out three items and placed them on the front desk: a vacuum cleaner, a toasting fork, and a large rubber chicken.

He told the class, "In this lesson, the Gryffindors have to kill five Slytherins, and the Slytherins have to kill five Gryffindors. The first house to do so wins, and the other house has to be their slaves until the next Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson. The rules are as follows:

Number 1: Dirty cheating is encouraged. In the real world, you wouldn't expect your enemy to play fair.

Number 2: 'Killing' includes sending them into comas, and cutting off several vital parts of their bodies, including hands, arms, legs, feet and… reproduction organs cough.

Number 3: Only hex your enemies, not your 'fellow house members'.

Number 4: No hexing until I leave the door and am hidden safely in my office."

Then Professor Dumbledore looked up at the fifth/sixth year class, all of whom had very evil looks on their faces as they picked out their partner/victim (apart from Hermione Granger, who was ready to learn), gulped, and hastily ran out of the door. The door swung shut with a click.

And all hell broke loose.

Firstly, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger put protection rings around themselves, because they were the only ones who knew how, and also because they tended to be the main targets. However, Draco Malfoy didn't need any protection, as people now thought it was more suffering to keep him alive and taunt him about the potions lesson. Everyone was still quite willing to try to kill Hermione and Harry, though.

Neville Longbottom was now the star of the class, as he managed to levitate himself to the ceiling, where he was promptly ignored, even when it was raining curses.

Crabbe and Goyle decided to use their best talent- brute force. They picked up chairs and tables that everyone was hiding underneath and chucked them in the general direction of the Gryffindors.

The tables and chairs were rapidly disappearing, and not just because of Crabbe and Goyle. Everyone who couldn't cast protection charms (which, by judging how hard nearly all of them listened, was a large majority) used chairs and tables as shields, and the tactful Gryffindors built a 'wall of protection' around the entire group, with a few well-placed holes for sticking their wands through to aim curses. Unfortunately, the even more tactful Slytherins had set the desks on fire, and the Gryffindors were slowly getting burnt to death. Nobody apart from Hermione and Harry knew how to cast a Freezing Charm, because of their attention span, and they couldn't be bothered because they had protection charms already.

Just then the bell rung. All the chairs and tables suddenly flew back to their original places, and flames were put out, curses were stopped and people stopped melting (and reversed it if they were lucky) because of the Finite Incantatum over the _entire class_. The room looked as it had before the lesson started (apart from a few dead students, but no-one cared about _them_), because the staff knew what fifth and sixth years were like. A scoreboard came and rose over the class:

"Death Count

Slytherins: 2 died

Gryffindors: 1 died"

Everyone looked to see who those three people were. The Gryffindor was Colin Creevey. His death had only been seen by Harry Potter, because it was Harry Potter who had killed him. A well aimed curse had bounced off three walls, bounced into Crabbe, who merely shook it off (being dumb as he was) into the table which he was holding, which was thrown into the midst of the Gryffindors, which then bounced off a flame onto Colin Creevey's camera hand, which promptly burned up simultaneously. The rest of his body quickly followed it. Everyone had been affected by Colin Creevey, who _always_ seemed to carry his camera around apart from in lessons where it was forbidden (only to Colin and Dennis Creevey), so the result was that no one really cared. Especially since there were wards around the DADA classroom, and when the bodies left the room they would come back to life again. Harry was working with the Slytherins to get this charm broken down quickly. Until then, they placed invisibility charms on Colin and stuffed him into a DADA closet.

They had the rest of the afternoon off (apart from Divination, but no-one went to that anymore) and since they had Astronomy later on, they all went to their dorms and fell asleep, which was so uneventful that it won't even be written down here.

In the Astronomy Tower, which was equally messy, perhaps even more so than the rest of the school (apart from the fact there was no graffiti - it wasn't romantic enough) the Gryffindors were having their lesson. Although it couldn't really be called a lesson, as now Professor Sinistra had found a boyfriend (which she wouldn't tell any of them who it was, especially Parvati Patil) and was currently unable to attend the lessons, although she stayed fairly nearby.

The Astronomy Tower was the most visited part of Hogwarts, even more so than the Great Hall, because of making out, committing suicide, making out, sneaking dragons to older brothers, making out, the occasional lesson, making out, and... well that's about it. Now there were millions of mini stalls in slight attempts to earn a few Knuts concealed in closets, secret doors by windows, and in some cases, on the ceiling, since there was simply no more room anywhere there. Most students bought a snack, fooled around for the lesson (or slept) and then copied Hermione's answers at the end by bribing her with pretty new books.

At the end of the lesson, everyone collapsed into their beds. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, after all...

Hermione had a feeling she would somehow be dragged into the auditions.

Harry didn't want to act in front of other people, but had to so that he could partly regain his famousness.

Ron was wondering who he could be, and his ears turned pink.

Draco wet himself.

* * *

Kattikit: So, we didn't tell you the name of the play. So what? 

Hyperkitti: Well, they could flame us…

Kattikit: Sssshhh!

Hyperkitti: Oh, and a warning to you JK Rowling. You may have escaped us once, but you won't manage it again!

Kattikit: **MWAHAHAHAHAH!**

Hyperkitti: Oh, and the reason this chapter's so long is because I wrote it.

Kattikit: Yours are always so much shorter than mine, though.

Hyperkitti: (_coughs_) Look out for the next chapter soon!


	3. We're so gonna need therapy for this

Becky: Today in our A/N we have a special guest: Voldemort! This person went to climb Mount Everest to discover the meaning of turkeys when during a freak accident he- no wait that was his secret brother. This guy just got killed by a baby.

Katherine: Let's just skip to the interview huge bang, swishing of cloak and Voldemort appears, in a cloud of dust, coughing slightly

Voldemort: Hi. My name is Voldemort. I'd like to kill you all.

Katherine: Ummm...right? Now let's just skip to the chase- can you help us kidnap JK. Rowling?

Voldemort: You mean the author who created me? Who brought my evilness to life and helped me to conquer the Wizarding world? The one who plans to kill Harry in the seventh book and help me conquer the Muggle world also? You want me to go against her?

Becky: Well, um, yeah.

Voldemort: Okay. That sounds cool.

Long pause

Voldemort: What am I meant to do?

Katherine: Come up with a cool plan to help us?

Voldemort: That's Lucius' job. Go get him.

Katherine: Now we have to go for plotting and scheming-

Voldemort: And a manicure

Katherine: Alright, and a manicure-

Voldemort: And I need my hair done.

Katherine: Right, and your hair done, and then we shall WAIT A SEC!

Voldemort: Well evilness has to be cool here. Sheesh.

Katherine: Right... but then we shall have a special interview next chapter with none other than Lucius Malfoy!

Voldemort: And his little brat Draco.

Katherine starts hyperventilating Voldemort: What?

Becky: Katherine fancies Draco

Voldemort: She does? Why?

Becky: Because she does.

Voldemort: Fair enough.

Katherine: cough On with the chapter! March on my brave soldiers!

Becky: We're not your slaves you know. Or soldiers. Voldie, let's go back to discussing Katherine's love-life. It's more interesting than the chapter.

* * *

At a ridiculously early time the next morning…

"NEXT…NEXT…NEXT…RUBBISH. NEXT…"

A small first year bust into tears before picking up his banjo, and running screaming from the room.

Professor Snape turned to face his fellow audition-er. "Don't you think that was a little harsh, Professor McGonagall? It's not his fault that the only tune he knows is 'Turkey in the Straw'"

Her knuckles white, her face purple, her toes green, the only words she could say were "I…HATE…THAT…SONG!"

Professor Snape shrugged, mentally filing that information away for future blackmail material. "NEXT." He yelled.

Outside of the door, the queue was…well, let's just say that a spider would have a hard time trying to breath, let alone move. People had been lining up for hours; mostly because of a rumour that Dumbledore had spread around that the whole cast would get let off the end of year exams, a good enough reason for anybody to want to ridicule themselves in front of hundreds of people. The rumour was untrue, of course, but it didn't stop Dumbledore announcing it in front of the whole school and putting up multicoloured flashing posters everywhere about it.

The queue was so long in fact, it even reached up to the Astronomy Tower, where our famous trio were still asleep, along with everyone else in the class apart from Professor Sinistra and Mr Filch making out in the corner and doing…ahem…do you really want to know?

"Ow!" yelled Harry when he finally awoke (half an hour after his hand was repeatedly trodden on by an overly enthusiastic first year. Just because he's a hero doesn't mean he has to have fast reactions. Wait, Rowling says he does? Damn), only to see…well…nothing. For a moment he panicked, wondering whether this was some evil plan by Draco so that he was easier to beat up. Maybe it was a prank by one of the aspiring Fred-and-Georges. It was only when the first year started jumping up and down again on his hand that he realised the reason he couldn't see was that his eyes were being trodden on. Very heavily.

Heaving the various people standing on him out of the way, sending most of them out of the window (he never was a morning person) he stood up, wondering why there were so many people in the astronomy tower. Eventually he managed to shove his way through the crowd until he reached a brown blob that looked suspiciously like Hermione sandwiched between the floor and several shoes of various sizes. He dragged her upright (lets just say that the pile outside the window was getting continuously larger), punched her a few times to wake her up, and dragged her to the only place in the tower where there was enough room to stand. Right by the two teachers.

"Hermione, what's going on?" Harry said, trying desperately to ignore the two teachers in the corner.

"This must be for the auditions. I never thought they'd be this popular!" she said, accidentally glancing at Sinistra and Filch, before vomiting out of the window. When she was sure that the people below her were sufficiently covered in puke, she continued. "Where's Ron?"

"I dunno. You wanna join the queue?"

"Ok then."

* * *

"NEXT!"

Crabbe crawled into the room and stood about 10 metres from the teachers.

"Right then, if you would care to begin."

Silence.

"When you're ready."

A grunt.

"In your own time."

Ten minutes later Snape threw a shoe at him. It bounced back, and Crabbe finally moved.

"Well? Did I get the part?" he said in a voice so dull he made a corpse sound like an opera singer.

"I'm sorry Crabbe, but all the tree parts have already been taken."

"Why would I want to be a tree?" He said, thoroughly disgusted. "Trees are for girls!"

"But you just did it line perfect…"

"I auditioned for a rock!"

Snape groaned. Why couldn't there be just one Slytherin who was sane enough to be in the play. Just one.

McGonagall however was delighted. "Ahh, at last, though you appeared to be a little bit off with your lines. It was supposed to be 'Ug', not 'Uh'. No matter, I think we can still squeeze you in somewhere…NEXT!"

Crabbe slouched slowly back out of the room, just as Draco swept in.

"My love, worry not." he intoned, trying to make it sound wise and meaningful. "For I shall be your sunshine, your protector, your love, your…"

"Court jester?" McGonagall continued for him.

Snape looked outraged. "Professor, what are you doing? This boy obviously has natural talent. We should be trying to encourage that. He should be the star, the lead, the biggest part in the show!"

"But he didn't even read the set lines for the audition."

Draco snorted "Yeah yeah yeah. To be or not to be, that is the question, yada yada yada. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Where is the sense of drama, the passion, the…"

"He was using his initiative." Snape interrupted.

"…the sense of valour, a hero fighting all to win the love of a fair lady…"

"Oh shut up you ponse, I'm trying to defend you here!"

"I am going to be in this play whether you like it or not. Just ask my mummy…" Draco stopped, suddenly aware of the hundreds of people standing outside the door, listening to every word he said. "I mean, if you don't give me a part, my father will have you both sacked." He said, an overly smug look on his face.

"He is brilliant, can you not see that. And he has made such a great effort for this play. He's even stopped wetting himself last week! Although he still needs his teddy for comfort sometimes…"

However by this point Professor McGonagall had stopped listening (even if the hundreds of people outside the door had not), and was now looking at Draco with a decidedly evil grin on his face. Eventually she stated, with an evil cackle "I have just the right part for you." And she wrote it down on her sheet before anyone could stop her.

Snape looked at the part, then cheered. "Draco, you've done it! You have one of the best parts in the play! I always knew I was leader of this house for something! "My ickkle Dracokins has done it at last!"

Professor McGonagall looked at him strangely "How much of the book have you read?"

"Well, I'm at about chapter 3, but I read your summary…"

"Good. NEXT!"

And with Snape still giggling at supposedly getting one over McGonagall, Hermione was pushed into the room.

Professor McGonagall just glared at her, and said "And what are you doing here Miss Granger?"

"I…well…I…"

"Jolly good. Now just read the girl's speech so we can move along."

Hermione started robotically reading the lines. "Please. Do. Not. Leave. Me. I. Do. Not. Think. I. Can. Bear. It. I. Love. You. So. Much. And…" she stopped and quickly read through the rest of her audition piece, her face turning gradually redder and redder, before bursting out angrily "I heard this is an action play, so why does the women have to be total wimps. I mean really, aren't girls allowed to fight too? We live in an equal society, and…"

"NEXT!"

Harry walked in, grabbed Hermione, dragged her back out, ignored her continuous babble, and came back in to audition. He stood in his most heroic, Shakespearean pose and said dramatically,

"To be, or…"

"Brilliant, superb, magnifiso!" McGonagall cried, standing up and wiping fake tears of pride out of her eyes.

"And she says I overdo it." Snape muttered under his breath. "Please Professor, stop making a scene."

"…bravo, encore, fantastique…"

"All right, all right, he's got a part, now will you please stop yelling" Snape growled.

"…hooray, congratulations…felicitations…well done…"

"Are you quite finished?"

"Ahem." Ron said, already standing in Harry's place, and already blushing Disney red.

"Ah yes, Mr Weasley" said Professor McGonagall, already regaining her Anne Robinson glare.

"Erm…well…I guess…erm…to be or not to be, that is the question?" he said, trying to dig a hole in the floor with one of his shoes.

"NEX- ow!" Snape said, rubbing his leg as McGonagall started franticly whispering in his ear.

"You can't refuse him a part, or Harry will refuse to come too."

"Your point being? And what part could he play anyway? It would have to be one with almost no lines!"

Professor McGonagall, glancing round as if scared someone else was watching her, wrote one word down on her piece of paper.

"Him!" Snape cried.

"What do you think?"

Snape looked critically at Ron for a moment, who looked like he was trying to get to Australia. The muggle way. "Well he has been getting taller lately…"

"And his hair does seem to be getting longer each film…"

"…and almost no lines. But what about all those tightrope scenes? He's clumsier than a drunken bat!"

"Exactly. We could do with a comic element to stop everyone falling asleep."

"Erm, excuse me?" said a tiny voice from a black hole in the ground. "But what have I just been volunteered for?"

"Ooo, you're evil."

"Thank you." Said Professor McGonagall "I practice. NEXT!"

* * *

The next morning (I'm too lazy to write the rest of the auditions. Let's just say that both Snape and McGonagall are currently in regular therapy.) The trio woke up in their beds to the usual sounds of screaming and the electric drills that were currently digging up the Quidditch pitch, and met up in the common room to walk down to breakfast.

"…and the look on Draco's face when Snape…"

"…I feel so sorry for poor Benji. They didn't even listen to his…"

"…did you see the colour Ron turned when…?"

"…I didn't think it was possible to turn that shade of violet…"

Talk of the auditions was everywhere, from the common rooms to the lake to the make-out towe- sorry, I mean the astronomy tower. Even the giant squid thing was talking about it (He'd auditioned for the part of 'Grotesque Monster Number 7') And it was absolutely no surprise whatsoever (especially from Harry, who had come to expect his daily torment. He found it very refreshing) when Draco sauntered up to Harry at breakfast with his minions…I mean followers.

"Do you like coming over here or something?" Harry said, without even turning round.

Draco turned pink. "Hey, it's not my fault if your house keeps stealing all the chocolate spread!"

"Well, why'd you come over here this morning?" Ron said, his ears still pink from the schools constant torment.

"Oh, just to gloat as always."

"About anything in particular?"

"Yes. I just got one of the main parts in the play. Professor Snape told me." Draco stood proudly, kicking his minions when they forgot to clap on cue.

"Well done." Drawled Harry in his most sarcastic voice (which, it should be noted, wasn't very good. Hey, he's a hero. They're not meant to know the meaning of the word mean.) "And considering how Snape was half of the judging panel, that's a great achievement."

"Hey, I think they're posting up the rest of the cast now. Why don't we all go and see what crappy parts your head of house decided to give you." Gloated Draco, rubbing his hands with glee. (It came in a big pot. He ordered it by owl post.)

And so the foursome (plus Draco's 'friends', who have yet to be classified as part of the human race) made their way to the part of the castle that no sane person ever went to look at. The Notice Board.

After elbowing their way through the crowds they finally made their way to the front of the queue, where they began to slowly read the notice posted there.

"Aw, well done mate." Ron said to Harry. "Your names top on the list!"

"Yours isn't too far down yourself Ron." Harry replied. "Even Hermione got a part! Hermione?" Hermione however was, for once, silent.

"Erm, Draco? Do you know anything about the plot of this particular…erm…play?" Hermione said in a small voice, and evil grin to match McGonagall's on her face.

"Well, no. But Professor Snape told me it's one of the best…"

"Good."

And with that, she started to cackle. Evilly.

AN: This is your captain Kattikit speaking. May I just add this disclaimer to say that I hold no responsibility for the content of the authors' note at the top of the page (no, don't go back up to read it again. Please. Noooooooooo!) I only left the above in because I felt guilty about making Hyperkitti guilty about…etc. I do not fancy Draco in any shape, way or form, and even if I did my love life with my ickle Dracokins……damn!


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